yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
