Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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