to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
