went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
