people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
