First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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