I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
