hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
