I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
