david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
