I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
