You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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