paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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