I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
