she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
