Too much gin, very little bucket
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
