I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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