Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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