I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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