I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
