you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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