My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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