I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
