I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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