He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
