I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
