I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
