you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
