I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
