I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
