We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
