If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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