my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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