So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i wish my penis had a tongue
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
