I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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