i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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