Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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