dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need a beard to bite.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
