So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
