Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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