My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
