I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
