the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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