fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
