We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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