if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
