dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
