My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
