my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
