Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
