cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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