I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
